How We Spent Our Vacation
by Dysfunction Junction
Summary: Just how do four mutant turtles, an over-sized rat and two humans spend a vacation? My guess? Not like this.
1. Chapter 1

Just a silly fic that I'm writing for stress relief. My other one is having issues so while I figure that out, I present this little diddy.

Language will be pretty mild, but I won't be using _shell_ nearly as much as the show does. Also, as I'm known for, this will be somewhat random and silly, so if your not into that this probably won't do it for you.

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><p>How We Spent Our Vacation<p>

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><p>Chapter 1<p>

The sun was as bright as could be hoped for. It was the perfect time of year, somewhere after spring's blossom but before the heat of summer's rage.

"Ah, I just love the smell of fresh fish in the morning."

Michelangelo raised his arms. A camera strapped round his neck and an empty fishing pail in his hand. The sun reflected in his smile. Per usual he was bright and just happened to be the only one of the small group present to show any kind of excitement. He just loved vacations and any reason to sneak away from the lair for awhile was as good as any to him. Sunscreen coated his normally green face, sloppily applied in two clumsy lines.

"Shut up, ya mutant."

His brother, Raphael didn't share his enthusiasm. He felt like a mile of bad road, eyes close to black from lack of sleep. He was tired as hell and looked like he'd been on another bender. Family bonding didn't mean squat to him. He was already stuck with his three freaky brothers twenty four seven. If you asked him, what they really needed was separation. He'd voiced this to unanimous disapproval.

It wasn't clear who had sparked the crazy idea in the first place. Splinter probably or maybe April. Tensions had been pretty high recently, so the idea of a stress reducing vacation probably seemed like a logical one. That or there was the potential homicide that may have made things a bit messy. Situations between the brother's had lead awfully close.

It was a risky business, taking four mutant turtles and a giant rat that were used to seclusion in the sewers, outdoors. Where they'd be living under tents, eating from cans and partaking in the surrounding beauty of nature. One might even call it suicidal, but April claimed she was up for it. Casey didn't seem so sure. He'd prepped them with extra bandages and enough painkillers to kill an elephant.

"It's too early for this crap," Raph complained to no one in particular. He'd been doing it all morning in the hopes that he might be sent to his room. At home. Alone.

'Will you be quiet? You're getting as bad as Mikey."

Donatello had a shorter fuse that usual, not in the happiest of moods. He wanted this trip like another hole in the head. He felt a bit feverish already, the last thing he needed was outdoor allergies on top of it. Splinter had insisted the fresh air would do him some good, but Don knew that was pretty much impossible. He already leaked like a faucet.

"Don, do us a favor and go take some Midol or something."

"_Raphael_."

Leonardo's reprimand was even more austere this morning. It was clear he was as tired as the rest of them, but he refused to let his leader facade slip. He'd agreed to the trip solely because Splinter had been so taken by the idea. Truth was, he'd rather be in the dojo or mediating, but spending more time with his irresponsible, accident prone brothers-that was fine too.

His brow fell hard. "That's enough."

"Who asked ya?" Raph sneered as he kicked the wheel of the van before slumping against it.

There was the sound of the sewer grate being pulled back into it's hole on the blacktop, sealing one of several entrances to their home. The last member had finally made it.

"Patience my sons, this is a trip about togetherness and family. Let us use not waste time bickering" Their father and master, Splinter said in his wisest voice. His giant fishing hat almost swallowed his head as he peered meaningfully at his sons from under it. _Fishes is ma bitches_ was written on his shirt. He proceeded to the van to relieve himself of his backpack.

Raph tsked. "Whatever."

"You heard Master Splinter-"

"I got ears Leo-I don't need ya reminding me. Love, peace, family bonding, all that rosy crap. I got it."

Leo's lip twitched. He shook his head "Not today, Raphael."

Raph smirked, his eye ridge rose. "Oh yes,_ today_, Leonardo."

"Alright boys we're loaded and ready to go. Get your butts in the van, sunlight's a wasting." April called.

"Come on guys let's get this over with." Donnie looked like his number had just been called. His march was that toward certain doom.

"Awesome. I get shotgun!"

Mikey hit Raph with his swinging pail as he passed. The older turtle took a moment to suck his teeth, before he viciously wretched it from Mikey's three fingered grasp and threw it in the trunk.

"My pail." Mikey gasped.

Raph slammed the trunk door in his face.

Leo put a hand on his brother's shoulder. "You can have it when we get there." he promised.

"If it makes it." Raph said ominously.

Leo gave him a look.

April took the front seat of the van while Casey got shotgun (much to Mikey's disappointment.) Since they were the only windows non tinted this seemed the safest option. Mikey sat between Leo and Raph while Donnie slumped against the window next to Splinter in the back. All in all, it had the cheeriness of a wake.

"Everybody ready?"

April sounded extra chipper. Probably to make up for the somberness. When only Splinter and a somewhat deflated Mikey responded, she fell back into her seat. "Great a bunch of moody teenagers. Just what I always wanted."

"Babe, just drive. Please."

Casey was hungover, he fanned himself uncomfortably.

April grimly took the wheel. She took one calming breath put in the key and nodded. As soon as the engine roared to life, she peeled the van out in reverse, shifted to drive and floored the accelerator.

The van nearly flipped from the effort.

Raph held a death grip on the headrest of the chair in front of him. "Calm down, would ya, crazy woman driver."

"Raphael." Splinter brought his cane down upon him.

"What, jeez. The woman's tryin' to kill us." Raph held his head, which had been hit twice now and pushed a too close Mikey away from him. "Get off of me."

"Say cheese." Mikey said right as he snapped a picture. The lens flashed at Raph, who hadn't been able to shield himself in time.

Mikey smirked as he looked at the displayed picture. "Not your best look, Raph." he commented.

"I'll show ya best look, ya little creep." Raph reached blindly for the camera, but Mikey moved it over towards Leo who he hoped would protect it.

"Mikey, that was uncalled for." Leo said, looking more amused than upset. "Just leave the camera alone for now."

"Think I'm blind." Raph muttered angrily as he rubbed at his eyes.

Mikey pouted. "I just wanted a picture for the take off, ya know. Us leaving New York. Gotta start the family trip album somewhere."

"Well try not to start off in anyone else's eyes, okay."

"Jeez Leo, baby him why don't ya?"

Mikey stuck his tongue at him. "You're just jealous cause Leo likes me more than you.."

Behind him, Don lost a battle with the wrapper to some cold and flu medicine. His hands slipped and the container flew. He tried to stop it but the bottle smacked into the back of Mikey's head.

Mikey turned and looked. He grinned at the orange, colored liquid and gave a thumbs up.

Don reached forward."No don't-" Mikey downed the container in one shot. "-drink that." Mikey made a face. Don sighed hopelessly. Now he would never be able to stop his sniffles.

"Yuck."

Mikey threw the empty bottle behind him. Donnie floundered with it. He hoped for just an ounce left to soothe his dry throat, but it was bone dry. He heaved a sigh and tossed the empty lump of plastic under his seat.

"Did you just drink cough syrup?" Leo asked his youngest brother.

Mikey shrugged and licked his lips. "Dunno, tasted like crud, whatever it was."

An hour passed in relative silence. Mikey had conked out like a light from the medicine. A line of drool slipped down his open mouth.

Raph was mostly quiet in his attempts to keep the other green mutant away from him. The last thing he wanted to be was his orange wearing brother's pillow.

Donnie swayed in the back, miserable and unable to fully sleep. He sniffed every so often.

Splinter hummed along with the Mp3 player he'd gotten for Christmas. He particularly enjoyed mariachi and country and had quite an assortment of rave tracks as well. Right now his current obsession was nineties pop which blared from the headphones to the unfortunate ears around him.

Leo tried to read for awhile but realized with horror that he got car sick, so instead of upchucking his breakfast on someone, he observed the scenery out the window. There wasn't much to look at.

An eternal half hour later, Mikey decided it was time to wake up, courtesy of a smack in the face.

"That's it, I've had enough."

Leo blinked from his reverie to witness Mikey's rousing at the hands of his brother. Raph was almost as red as his headband.

"Touch me one more time and I'll make ya wish ya never been hatched."

"Raph, calm down."

"Ya have this blockhead on ya all day and then tell me to calm down. He's heavy and he freaking reeks."

"You reek." Mikey shot back with the power of any given garbage boozer. He fell back into the seat and snorted back to sleep. This time he tilted towards Leo who sighed, but accepted his brother's weight.

"April how much further until we reach our destination?"

April shifted her green eyes to the rear view mirror to look at Leo. She hadn't taken him for the 'are we there yet' type. The others maybe, but not him. "Still awhile, Leo."

He nodded solemnly.

The first pit stop came an hour later, but not a moment too soon. They had to choose the more deserted and thus less hygienic of the two gas stations they'd already passed. As soon as the vehicle stopped, Raph was out the door.

April was the voice of reason this time. "Raph, you can't-your disguise?"

It was a little after five so the sun had dialed down a bit, but it was still light out.

Raph threw his hands. "Ya see anybody round?" he asked irritably. Case joined him as the two went off to relieve themselves.

The woman sighed but let them go. The van's gas cap had disappeared years ago so she went straight to the pump. Her eyes widened at the price, over five dollars? Seemed pretty steep for a no name convenience stop.

Leo was against the van now, he looked deep in thought. Then again, when didn't he?

"You wanna go get snacks?' she asked him.

"Oh, no, no, no." Mikey said as he loudly excited, ripe from his nap. "Leo here will get us all some nasty protein bars or supplementary 'drinks' made to balance the bodies digestion."

Leo made a face. "I happen to like-"

"Yes we know. That is why my dear misguided bro, you are not allowed to pick snacks."

April gaped, she was too distracted by his appearance to hear anything he'd just said. "Mikey? What are you wearing?"

He looked down and fingered the colorful sarape he'd found in the dumpster, the long brim of his sombrero made this somewhat difficult.

"You know what century this is, right? You know what _country_ this is, right?"

Mikey smiled. "It's called being creative."

April looked at Leo who shrugged. "He does enjoy being creative."

"So hand over the money _chica_, and I can get us some-grub...a."

She handed him the cash. "Isn't the mustache a bit much?"

He humphed and was off as soon as the greens touched his own green. Don made it to the door in time to yell a plea for medicine that may or may not have been heard.

"This was a good idea."

Leo didn't respond for a moment. His eyes searched the horizon just in time to see Casey push Raph in that affectionate buddy-buddy way. The were two peas in a proverbially awkward pod.

"Yeah, I guess so."

April pulled a piece of fringe from her eyes. "Ya know Leo, it's okay to have fun, every once in awhile."

"I know that." He almost sounded offended.

She watched the price on the ancient gas pump go higher and higher. Now that _wasn't_ fun.

"April I've been thinking about the route were taking, I realize that you've decided to use the 74, by my calculations we'd get there much faster it we used-"

Neither was Don's preferred sense of direction.

"Thanks, but I got it Don."

"But-"

"Give it a rest egg head. April knows what she's doing. Right Case?"

Don rolled his eyes at Raph's unceremonious return. The larger turtle dug his elbow into his brother' shoulder with a force that almost capsized him.

Case gave April a once over with a wolf like grin. "She certainly does." He pulled her closer while she tried to slap him away.

"Casey Jones, stop it right now." Her stern command gave way to a giggle.

Soon they were running around the pump like a bunch of highschooler's in some bad romance movie. Leo watched in confusion while Don coughed irritably. Raph made a 'horn dog' comment that actually made his stomach growl.

"Where's that idiot Mikey? I'm freaking starving here."

Don's eyes grew in concern. "It has been awhile. Maybe we should go check on-"

There was a gunshot in the distance. All five heads reverted to the quickie mart. An erratic Mikey yelled at them while he waved his arms.

**"Go, Go, Go**!"

It was like something out of an action sequence and April knew just what to do. The rest followed her cue as she jumped in the van and revved the engine. The man at Mikey's tail was too slow to ever hope to catch him but his aim was decent.

'What is going on here?" Splinter barely missed the bullet that flew through the side. He ducked for cover. "Are we under attack?"

Mikey flew towards the van just as Leo and Raph caught him. They pulled him up and the door rolled closed. By chance they missed the next shot that went only inches too high. Once they were out of range they were all able to breathe, the crazed gunman was nothing but a blot of disappearing colors.

Mikey yelped at the force of Raph's smack.

"The hell is wrong with you. Ya go to get some snacks and ya end up getting freaking shot at?"

"Michelangelo, what happened?"

Mikey rubbed his head. "Dunno, maybe the guy was racist?"

"Or maybe he didn't appreciate that fake gun you've got there."

Everyone looked at Don's remark. However snide he was, he was right. Mikey did indeed possess a gun.

"Not cool Mikey." Casey shook his head.

Raph smacked him again.

Leo raised his hands in disbelief. "Michelangelo, have you lost your mind?"

Mikey pulled the gun from the holster and showed it to them."It's not like it was loaded."

Don stared. "Mikey is that thing,_ real_?"

"Yeah, it was in the pants pocket when I found 'em. but like I said, it's not loaded."

To prove his point, Mikey pulled the trigger. The gun went off with a deafening crack that caused those nearby to jump in horror. The smell of gunpowder filled the air.

There was a second of silence. No one moved.

April was the first to flip when she realized her van was littered with bullet holes. "Oh my god!"

"Not loaded huh?' Raph growled, ready to wring Mikey's little neck. He ducked out of Raph's reach and they both ended on top of Don.

He pushed them off and turned to Leo to demand he stop their tussle, his eyes widened. "Um, guys?"

They didn't stop, April was close to hysterics and Splinter was still under his seat.

"Guys!" He demanded louder.

"Whadaya want? Can't ya see I'm-"

Raph stopped when he saw what his brother pointed at. "Ah hell-"

There was blood on the seat. Leo was pale as he held his shoulder. He noticed all eyes on him and pulled his hand away. It was coated red.

"There ya happy now Mikey, ya shot Leo."

Leo's eyes rolled upward, right before he passed out.

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><p>For some reason I like the idea of Donnie being sick-I don't know what's wrong with me. Chapters will probably get stranger from here.<p> 


	2. Chapter 2

_Thanks for the reviews guys. I tried to respond to the very nice comments but FF. net is being a real pain with letting me sign on. It's a miracle I was able to upload this. I hope you enjoy this chapter too. I'm trying to keep everybody somewhat in character but sometimes I think a little OOC is pretty unavoidable. Especially when dealing with humor and randomness._

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><p>How We Spent Our Vacation<p>

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><p>Leo roused with a light tap. Raph told Don to hit him harder but not because it was necessary.<p>

"He's awake Raph." Don informed him tiredly for the third time. Raph didn't look too sure.

Leo expected to be in the presence of some foot ninjas or a crazy scientist bent on dissecting him, not in the back of a an aging hippy van with Don right in his face.

Then he remembered. He'd been shot. By his own brother, with a stolen gun.

Thankfully, the wound was superficial. Only a slight graze. The blood made it look much worse. That and Leo's repeated use of the words "_You shot me_" while he pointed at Mikey.

Now that he was up, it was harder to get him to calm down than it was to dress the wound. Don was only half aware and still did it like a pro.

"Knew we'd need those bandages." Casey said to April. She looked haggard and only managed a slight nod fingering one of the holes in the upholstery

Splinter commandeered the gun, afterward he lectured Michelangelo on the dangers of stereotypes and improper use of guns. Mikey looked more upset at his gun being taken than his brother's injury.

Now both Leo and Raph refused to sit near him. Leo moved next to Splinter in the back while Don was unwittingly forced between Mikey and Raph.

Mikey was relieved to find the snacks had come away mostly unharmed. He threw a bag of corn nuts at Raph's head who growled but snatched the bag because he loved corn nuts. April and Case had to cope with a questionable looking tuna sandwich that April let her boyfriend have, while Splinter got his favorite, banana bread. Leo sniffed at the _Mike and Ikes_ offered to him, so Mikey gave them to Don instead.

'Did you happen to get any medicine?" Don asked hopefully.

Mikey ripped at a bag of _Doritos_ with his teeth. He spat the severed end and shook his head. "You should have asked," he said before stuffing his face full of the processed, nacho cheese goodness.

Don sighed. "I did." He popped one of the candies in his mouth.

April was deemed too angry, thus too dangerous to drive. After about twenty minuets of erratic stops and turns, with a non stop rant on why men were dangerous to the general population, (mutant or not), it was Raph's comment about why hormonal women really shouldn't drive that finally did her in. The van only avoided the ditch because of Case's quick jerk of the wheel.

"Babe, ya look tired. I'll drive." His voice was an octave higher than usual. He muttered something to Raph, who shrugged as if he could care less that he'd almost killed them all.

Things were tensely silent after that. Splinter gave his player to Leo in hopes that some calming music would help ease some of his eldest's anger. Unfortunately, Leo had a hard time with the selection. He just didn't find Christina Aguilera all that relaxing.

Mikey had a book on the solar system that was no doubt Don's. He kept turning the book like he wasn't sure which side was correct.

Raph devoured his corn nuts but was a bit wary of Don sneezing on them. He held them to his chest to guard them.

April decided on a nap. She was already exhausted and they hadn't even reached the actual campsite yet.

They were only about two hours from Vermont but at the rate the van was going it may as well have been twelve. A four car pile up involving a faulty latch on a chicken truck left them pretty much stilted. Feather's were everywhere. Chickens even more so.

Mikey's request to get one was denied.

The fascination of watching the distressed driver attempt to catch his chickens wore off quickly. Mikey turned back to the book and poked Don in the shoulder. "Hey Donnie?"

Don roused in a fever induced haze, he sniffed and barely registered a "Wass'it?"

"Do you think the sun is really made of cheese?"

Don's dark eyes were glazed, he tried to furrow his brows but went cross eyed instead. "Wha?"

He pointed a green finger to the picture of the sun.

"Well everyone says the moon is made of cheese but clearly it's the sun right? I mean its orange and has those little strings on it." He traced the cartoon picture that was used to show the sun's heat rays. "I think it's string cheese."

Don teetered a little but didn't respond.

"I know right? It's gotta be some kind of conspiracy. The sun's clearly framing the moon in its producing of cheese. But why?"

Raph finished the last of corn nuts. His temporary serenity disappeared as soon as he ditched the empty bag. "Who gave stupid over here a book? Can we please just tape his mouth shut before he gets anymore bright ideas?"

Splinter turned to Raph and raised a mutated paw.

"Now Raphael, this is an excellent way to engage some conversation. Is the sun made of cheese?" He stopped after he realized what he'd just said, then continued. "That is the question, what are your thoughts? Is Michelangelo right?"

"Hell no, he aint right."

Raph didn't even see the cane before it fell on him.

Splinter turned to Donatello. "Why don't you share some of your wisdom with us, my son?

The fog in Don's brain left him tongue tied. He knew the brown blob was Splinter, but his words were a mysterious jumble of sounds. What had he said? "Four?" How many fingers did he have? "No, three?"

Splinter watched in confusion. "I'm afraid I don't understand my son, is that some kind of code?"

Don tried again. "Two?" He panicked. Had he lost a finger along the way?

"Brainiac's finally lost it." Raph swiped the rest of Mikey's Coke.

Don groaned.

"Guys, I think there's something wrong with him." Casey observed.

Raph snorted, then regretted it when soda shot out his nose. He coughed and wheezed.

Mikey answered for him. "Yeah Case, we know."

Case shook his head. "No I mean, I thing he's like sick or something. He don't look to good."

Three sets of eyes turned to the purple banded turtle. Leo was too busy in his attempts to understand the wails and screeches that assaulted his ears as music and not a slow way of torture to notice.

Don was desperate in his pleas with the seat belt, he looked greener than usual. "Twelve? Nine hundred? OH sweet Darwin, am I even close?"

Splinter placed a thoughtful hand under his chin. "I believe Mr Jones may be on to something."

"Loser's probably faking." Raph chucked a fallen nut at Don who now held his stomach.

"Aww, Donnie not feeling well. Let me give you a-"

The awful sound of retching stopped Mikey's declaration. His smile titled downward and he stared a minuet, then realized what had happened. Don had thrown up, right on _him_! He screamed. The shrillness caused a great deal of chaos as he fluttered his arms. "Gross! Get it off! Get it off!"

Raph scrambled to the other side while Mikey tried to rid himself of the sick. "Stop it ya moron, ya gonna get it on me."

But Mikey wasn't heading towards Raph. He jumped almost falling into the back seat, right at Leo. Nobody expected the fierce shove sent at Leo's hand. "Stay away from me." He warned darkly. He looked ready to dismember certain body parts. Like Mikey's head.

Clearly, his therapeutic music session wasn't working so well.

The dark cloud that filled the van with the anger of Leo's glare stunned everyone into silence.

Then Don threw up again.

They pulled over. They had to. It was either that or turtles would start jumping from the van, not caring who saw them. April wasn't ready for that, the smell was pretty bad too. The mess wasn't much to clean up. They wiped it with Mikey's costume before the soiled garment was tossed on the roadside.

Mikey was beside himself with the possible pathogens his brother had spewed on him. Raph would have hit him but was kind of afraid of Don germs too.

April was more concerned with Don's welfare. He didn't look good, at all. She was lucky enough to have some pain relievers in her purse that would help with the fever but he really needed to eat something besides the candy that was pretty much all over Mikey's getup now. She settled for some of the left over sandwich, wondering if she'd done more damage than good. Casey wasn't dead yet so that was a plus. Then again he also had a stomach made of reinforced steel.

Don felt somewhat better almost immediately. He still sniffed and his cough may have worsened but his fever had gone down. Splinter found fault with Leo's lack of foresight at his brother's well being.

Leo kindly reminded him he'd been shot.

This was no excuse.

Don was placed next to Leo in the back, it was his responsibility to keep an eye on him. Leo's punishment for letting his brother get sick. Splinter wedged between Mikey and Raph. Raph concealed the magazine Mikey had picked up in his earlier heist. _Big Booty Bonanza_ probably wasn't something their father would approve of.

The ride continued with one injured, one sick, one paranoid and one traumatized turtle. Splinter seemed unconcerned that his four sons were already in varying states of disrepair. He pulled his favorite book written in Japanese that Raph joked was actually a dirty novel.

Leo and Don could both read it but they refused to tell him what it was about.

Leo ditched the music player and chose to try actual meditation. The newly resolved Don made this nearly impossible. He was trying to diagnosis himself and kept asking Leo to check and look at certain body parts. It was futile trying to find zen while looking down your brother's ears and throat for abnormalities.

Don checked off another symptom he may or may not have had.

It was dark. What had started as a six hour trip was taking much longer than anticipated. Soon they were going to have to stop and get some rest. Case claimed he was fine, he'd driven days without sleep. April rolled her eyes. Right after his profession, Case hit something. Something large enough to jump the tires at least a foot. The van fishtailed before coming to a halt.

"Please tell me we did _not_ just hit somebody."

Mikey looked out the window, he didn't see anything resembling a body behind them. He shook his head at Raph. "I don't think so, unless they're still in the wheels or maybe the grill."

They were all too scared to check.

"There was nothing there, I swear." Case defended. "I don't know what it was!"

April was surprisingly calm. "Maybe it was some trash or some-OH MY GOD!" She pointed at the windshield.

Somebody was smashed there. A man by the looks of it. Casey on instinct turned on the windshield wipers but when the body didn't move he realized they were straddled on the front of the van and not actually on the windshield. There was the terrifying thought that Mikey was right, that the body was somehow mangled on the grill but then the man moved. Walked even. Right to the window.

"Are you alright?" Case asked.

The man didn't respond. There were several things to be noted, such as the overly ripe trench coat and long unkempt hair, the hollow skull like face. Overall, not a trustworthy looking man.

"Er...Do you need to go to the hospital? Are ya bleeding or anything?"

He still didn't respond.

"What a jerk." Raph commented loudly.

"Mr. Jones, perhaps you would like to offer this gentleman a ride." Everyone looked at Splinter like he'd grown a second tail. He gave a reproachful claw wag."We did almost run him over. The honorable thing to do would be to help him. "

He said it with such conviction, Case felt obligated to take the rat's advice."Ya need a ride somewhere?"

The man nodded slowly.

"Case I don't think-"

"Now, April I think Master Splinter's right. We did almost run the guy over."

"But there was no one there."

Case shrugged. "I dunno, babe."

The man entered the van. He didn't seem the least bit concerned about the four over sized turtles or talking rat. Splinter moved in the back and Raph moved to the window, leaving Mikey next to their new guest.

"You're not a serial killer, are you?"

Mikey was too busy with the pain of the cane and for some reason Leo's fist that he didn't see the small smirk that appeared on the grisly face.

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><p>Umm...Yeah...Reviews, comments, complaints...I take em all.<p> 


	3. Chapter 3

Thanks for the reviews. It really warms my poor, pathetic little heart to see them.

Love, your dysfunctional author

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><p>How We Spent Our Vacation<p>

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><p>The van's interior soured almost immediately. The man smelled like unwashed socks thrown in mud, over rotten breath and sweat. Dirt seemed to fly off him with every breath. The air around him had a greenish quality to it.<p>

"Sparky here ever heard of a bath?" Raph asked as he held his nose.

"You're one to talk." Mikey said.

Raph grinned."That's a man's scent."

Mikey made a face."Yeah, a stinky one."

"Sir, I believe I should inform you that you have lice."

"Don, you probably shouldn't touch him."

Don frowned at Leo like he was a moron. "I wasn't going to touch him. I was just observing. His lice seem to have lice itself."

"Yeah, best leave that alone." Leo leaned over to his sensei. "Master Splinter, do you really think this is a good idea?"

Splinter turned to his eldest, his eyes reproachful. "My son, what have I taught you about the ways of honor? It would not do well to leave this gentleman stranded when we have caused him so much distress."

The man clicked his tongue and mumbled something to the insides of his coat.

Leo gestured, unconvinced. "Yeah, I don't think we caused that."

Splinter shook his head. "You still have much to learn, my son."

Leo nodded but still looked cautious.

"So," Mikey prodded the man. "Ya got any hobbies there, Gary. Can I call you that? I've always wanted a friend named Gary."

The man grunted something that might have been yes.

"You don't talk much, do ya Gary?" Mikey asked.

Gary blinked, but didn't respond.

"So-uh Gary, can we take ya anywhere specific? Somewhere close, hopefully?" Case asked.

He unsurprisingly, received no answer.

It was awkwardly silent for a few minuets. Case switched on the radio to help fill the quiet. April looked over and raised a brow. He shrugged. "Seems like a good time for some tunes." He peered in the back with the rear view mirror. "Right guys?'

Don coughed, but otherwise it was quiet.

"Right." Case answered himself with a nod.

"Perhaps our new friend Gary would enjoy starting a new conversation, something we can all participate in, hmm." Splinter suggested.

"Master Splinter I don't think he's-" Leo started.

Splinter cut him off. "Michelangelo, why don't you start us on a new topic?"

Mikey looked thoughtful. Whatever his answer was, Raph didn't want to hear it. "Come on Master Splinter, look how well the last conversation Mikey started went." He argued.

Splinter peered at him. " Very well, perhaps you would like to start us off then, Raphael."

Don muttered a _here we go_, just as Raph's eyes darkened like an oncoming storm. "Fine ya want a conversation starter? How's this? How about we 'discuss' the reason that Leo was chosen as the leader and not me."

There was multiple groans. This was an old subject that Raph brought up far too often.

Raph snorted. "Fine, no good? How about why Leo gets to be oldest, huh? Have we done testing on this? Has this been proven? I don't think so."

Don raised a finger. "Actually, I have done some-"

Raph continued. "And while we're on the subject how come he gets to wear the color blue, huh? Nobody ever bothered to ask what color I wanted. Maybe I wanted to be blue-"

Mikey snorted "Blue would _so_ clash with your skin tone-"

"-maybe I hate the color red." Raph finished.

Splinter blinked. "Well my son, I don't think that's quite the kind of conversations we're looking for. Donatello, would you like to-"

"No way." Mikey said before Don could even open his mouth. "We don't understand what he says half of the time as it is."

Don looked admonished. 'You're the one who asked me about the sun being made out of cheese."

Mikey nodded gravely. "And look where that got me."

Don gave an exasperated groan. "I said I was sorry."

"I've got a conversation starter." April proclaimed as she turned in her seat. "How many licks does it take to get to the center of a _Tootsie Pop_?"

Case laughed "Babe, isn't that a little-"

"April don't be silly, everyone knows the answer to that. It's-" Mikey stopped. He scratched his head. "Well I think it's-forty, no ten, five?"

"Let's find out." She suggested, pulling one from seemingly out of nowhere.

Raph made a face."Where did you get that?"

"Who cares?" Mikey pushed Raph out of the way to snatch the candy from April's hand. "Gimme."

Raph pushed him back. "Maybe I wanted to test it, ya mooch."

Gary surprised them both by stealing it from Mikey and plopping it in his mouth. The two turtles looked at him.

"Jeez Gary, you could have asked." Mikey said, crossing his arms. "Now we'll never know."

April pursed her lips. Her plan hadn't worked quite as well as she'd hoped. "I'm sure Gary will tell us the answer, won't you Gary?"

She got a half eye shudder in return, followed by a belch. She smiled tightly. "Let's just hope that means yes."

While the others argued over whether Gary would actually tell them how many licks it would take to get to the center of a _Tootsie Pop_, Leo focused in on the radio. The music had paused for a special news bulletin. The reception was bad so he only caught bits of what the announcer was saying.

_Warning...Is an escaped convict...Subject is armed and dangerous... Escaped from the...Mental Asylum...Suspect is a male...Tall...Wearing a coat...Long hair...Be on the look out...Murderer...Do not approach...Highly dangerous..._

Leo listened as well as he could. He took mental notes and compared them to 'Gary'. Tall-check, wearing a coat-check, long hair-check, unfortunately there was nothing about being unclean, but that would be a double check. Mikey had hit it on the nail, Gary was an escaped, mentally deranged murderer_._

"Master Splinter we need to-" Leo stopped.

Splinter was giving a lesson on sharing and how it's impolite to take things from others without permission. Apparently Gary had taken Splinter's cane to chew on.

Mikey wailed over the fact that Gary had swallowed the_ Tootsie Pop_ whole. Raph added. "Hope the freak chokes."

Leo turned to Don. He poked him from his reading of the Diagnostic Dictionary.

"What?' He asked not looking up.

Leo leaned closer. "Mikey was right, Ga-this _guy_ really is a murderer."

Don turned another page and sighed, "Of course he is."

"What do you mean, of course he is?" Leo demanded.

Don finally looked at him. "We picked him up in the middle of the road smashed to the front of the car. He hasn't washed in days and as I stated before has enough lice to infect a small country. He's got blood on his shoes and I'm pretty sure he's carrying a knife. Of course he's a murderer." He turned back to his book.

"Well-should we-do something about it?"

Don shrugged. "You're the leader," He said dully.

Leo floundered, this was true, but right now Splinter wasn't listening, Raph was too busy trying to choke Mikey who had unintentionally elbowed him in the face and Don was being pretty unhelpful, so what was he supposed to do?

He almost smacked himself. _Of course_.

He'd do what he always did. Take care of the problem himself.

He nodded. He would protect his family. All he needed was to find his katanas. He turned and rifled through the trunk. Where had he put them again?

Splinter managed to retrieve his cane with only a small chunk taken out of it. "Perhaps, Gary-san needs some more protein in his diet."

"Yeah and he ate my _Tootsie Pop_." Mikey grumbled again. "Now we'll never know the answer.'

Don groaned. "Oh for the love of...it's three, Mikey. The answer to how many licks it takes to get get to the center of a _Tootsie Pop_ is three."

"And how would you know that?" Raph asked looking hostile. "Just cause you think you know everything-"

"He's right, actually." April affirmed.

Raph refused to believe that. "Of course he is. Hear that Don, your little girlfriend's sticking up for you, even though we all know your _wrong_."

Both Don and April looked awkwardly away. "She's not my girlfriend." Don mumbled, flushing. "And I'm not wrong."

There was a rustle from the back where Leo viciously threw things in his attempt to find his swords. _Fishing for Dummies_ hit Raph in the head and a pair of underwear latched onto Gary's ear. April almost screamed when she saw them. They were hers. "Leonardo, what are you doing back there?" She demanded shrilly.

"Saving you pathetic lot. What else?" he mumbled to himself. "I'll show you all, once I find my weapons. Oh yes. And who'll be laughing then? Me, that's right."

"Leo's finally lost it." Raph observed as his brother continued to rant and rave, throwing odds and ends out of his way.

"Did he ever really have it?" Mikey asked.

Everyone shrugged, except for April. She watched her clothes collect all over the van in horror. "_Leonardo_, your swords are not in my pack!" she shouted.

"Can never be too sure." Leo responded.

"I'm pretty sure, I would know." April insisted.

Mikey grabbed at something that landed in front of him. He smiled when he saw what it was "Sweet." He held the bra in front of him for everyone to see.

"Wow this explains so much." Raph said with a snicker.

"You're just jealous that I get one and you do-" Mike stopped when April ripped the object from his hands. He grinned sheepishly. "Err-I mean-"

"Wow, is that new?" Case yelped at the can of mosquito spray chucked at him. He ducked to avoid another throw. "Alright, sorry."

Unfortunately it flew in the back and smacked Gary right between the eyes. He groaned, a bright red imprint that would be a bruise lit up his busted face.

"Oh great April, now he's got brain damage."

Gary rolled over onto Mikey who tried to push him away. The man weighed a ton though and after several attempts it was Raph who finally managed to get the man off of Mikey and ultimately him as well. Unfortunately the force was a bit too much and the door flew open, causing Gary to tumble out onto the street below. The sound of the body rolling could be heard for several seconds.

Nobody said anything for a moment.

"Should we...go get him?" Mikey asked.

Raph's expression turned somber. He reached over Mikey and slammed the car door shut shut. "Hell no, Case gun it." Eating the _Tootsie Pop_ had written the man off as dead to them anyway.

Splinter had fallen asleep and snored from the back. Leo had finally found his swords only to realize the serial killer was no longer in the van. He was appalled to hear it was Raph who'd saved them, even if it was by accident.

Don retained his book reading with a nightlight in the darkened cabin. He coughed in Leo's general direction. "Nice going." he commented.

Leo grumbled and threw his swords away in annoyance. Raph looked smug, although he wasn't sure why. He liked Leo sulking over something he'd outdone him on. An unknown victory was still a victory in his eyes.

"It's been a long day." April ground out to her boyfriend. "Can we please rest for awhile."

"You want me to pull over? Now?" Case asked.

April gave a tired nod. The poor woman was exhausted. "You've been riding the line for the last few miles and I'm way too tired to drive, so yes."

"And don't hit anybody this time, ya knucklehead." Raph added.

"I miss Gary." Mikey sighed.

* * *

><p>Short chapter, I know. Lots more fun in store next time...<p> 


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